(Warning: The following piece, while based on true events, is meant to be satirical. I have seen way too many examples of people taking satire the wrong way, so I just want to mark it for the record before going any further.)

A new fatwa (or scholarly religious opinion) was issued recently in Saudi Arabia, that in order to bypass the Islamic law that forbids non-related men and women from mixing, women should give their male colleagues and acquaintances their breast milk. This way, a man can establish “maternal relations” with the woman and become her relative. “The man should take the milk, but not directly from the breast of the woman,” said Sheikh Al Obeikan. “He should drink it and then becomes a relative of the family, a fact that allows him to come in contact with the women without breaking Islam’s rules about mixing.”

(Seriously, I’m not kidding about that part. Check out the links.)

There are a few things I take away from this latest revelation and scientific discovery. First off, I should always have some breast milk handy, in case I want to establish maternal relations with my boss, a friend, or a random guy on the street, because you never know when you’ll need it. This means I should constantly be popping out babies, since women typically only lactate after giving birth. But this should be nothing new to anyone, since woman’s job is and has always been to produce as many children as possible since the world is suffering from a human under-population problem. What other purpose do we serve in society anyways?

Second, I thinks this sheikh, among whoever else issued the fatwa, should receive Nobel Prizes for their scientific discovery in genetics. I was taught that being related to someone meant you shared DNA (or a marriage certificate with someone who shares their DNA). Apparently they’ve isolated the gene in breast milk that can actually alter a man’s DNA to be in sync with the woman’s! (Either that or my teacher’s lied to me, and they never do that about things like the story of the Pilgrims and Native Americans…) So forget about blood brothers. I want a boob brother.

Not only is a man’s DNA changed after drinking the breast milk, but the hormones in the mammary secretion also affect the man’s own hormone production. The mere sight of the woman post-breast feeding makes the man physically impotent, as well as mentally uninterested in sexual relations. (Sort of like walking in on your parents having sex. NOT as great as porn.) This claim is further supported by the fact that men never EVER rape their sisters, daughters, nieces or cousins, and certainly never marry them.

The premise of this fatwa is based on the undeniable fact that all humans are raging sex maniacs. Any time a man sees a woman he is not related to, he HAS to bone her. And obviously it’s her fault for leading him on (i.e. having a vagina), so she’s just as guilty if not more so. We humans are completely incapable of controlling any of our urges, especially our sexual desires. This is proven by the fact that men and women can never be “just friends.” Give them the chance, and they’ll screw. So instead of being caged up like animals, or having a sex-segregated society, we just need to drink breast milk!

I never knew that my tit held such power as to subdue the overpowering male drive to reproduce! I should just start handing out my breast milk to every man on the street, just to make sure I cover all my bases. Sort of like a lemonade stand, only a mammary milk market.

Lastly, I was a bit concerned once I realized the number of men who’ve suckled from my bosom before. Granted, I haven’t had children yet, but that doesn’t mean I’m incapable of producing milk. With enough stimulation (and trust me, I’ve had plenty), a woman can actually secrete the life-giving liquid without having been pregnant. This means that there’s a high probability that all of my past (and current) lovers have established maternal relations with me. (Maybe that’s why some never called me back…) Does this mean I’ve committed incest?

However, I like to look at things on the bright side, and I take comfort in the fact that no one’s ever filed incest charges against me. I’ve decided that instead of classifying myself as a pervert and a criminal, I’m just the BEST MOM EVER!